The Weirdest Idea Ever

I'm beginning to think that I'm really insane and that I've just escaped from a mental facility from somewhere. If not, then I will most probably be in one in the next coming years. I kid. I kid.

Well, I admit to the weirdness that I have within myself. I express it through my art, my studies, my music and in my words. It's not that this eccentricity is something I just want to show, rather, I want to embrace it and learn how to handle it. After all, I'm a work in progress.

Anyway, why have I given this journal entry the title *The Weirdest Idea Ever*? Well, it's because I've come up with the weirdest idea to help me move on with this man that I always mention in my journal entries as 'Him'. I can't believe that after four years of having these unanswered feeling for him, it's only now that I do something about my life. I mean, I can't spend the rest of my life wondering why he can't me right? SO~!!!!!!!!!!!! I made a plan for myself

I am so proud of myself~! I will give mah self a haha~!

Anyway, here is the idea. I know it's . I know because my best friend already told me that. One of my professors still thinks that there is still a possibility for the two of us but I've made a decision.

I will put his photo as my wallpaper in my cellie for the rest of the month. Afterwards, I will delete it and speak nothing of it again. Unless I've proven that there is no longer I will not look at him again. BUT~!!!!!!!!!!!! IF...and only IF he is the one to look for me first, I will think about it and see if I will make an exception... It's stupid I know. The whole world is practically screaming to right now. haha.

Well, I must do my best and give my time to what I love most, studying. SO~!!!!! I won't think much of him~!

PRAY FOR ME PEOPLE~!!!!!!!!

Falling Tears

The last time I cried so hard was the time when I found out that the person looking for me wasn't really 'him' but someone else that I used to know. During that time, my tears just seemed to fall endlessly and I couldn't control them. The more I thought of stopping my tears the more they fell. What is up with that?

This time, my tears fell because of something else. It's because of my practice teaching. Originally, my final demo was scheduled at September 18 at 8am in the morning. Then, it was moved to a much later date of September 22, with the same time. But after that stupid dry-run thingy earlier, my final demo was moved again. I don't understand this anymore. I don't want to be here anymore.

I don't know if this day should be happy or depressing. Happy, probably because I saw my crush for three times. Unfortunately, when I saw him, I was crying really badly. Every moment that I saw him, I would start crying again. He was making fun of me because of it. I don't know if I should be happy that at least he was making an effort to make me laugh or if I should think of him as an idiot. Anyhow, I'm still pleased that he was a bit concerned about me.

I left the public school at nearly 3pm. When I arrived at my Uni, I started crying in front of my bestie and I really couldn't control it. It was touching that all the people that I knew were concerned. (special thanks to the ff.: kuya from TJs, ate from Big Mamu's, Kuya Guard, Sir JJ~!, Mammi Rose O) At least I felt that I was loved. I broke down, because of all that happened in my dry-run demonstration. Gosh, I hate life right now.

Fighting a losing battle

I used to see the life of a human being as a really long battle. In reality, it does seem that way. You have to fight your way to get first line in the public toilets. You need to wake up early and show more effort in school and in class. You need to impress your boss to get a higher salary or to get a promotion. But the most fruitful and painful battle is with your own family.

Sibling rivalry is a type of competition or animosity among brothers and sisters, blood-related or not. That's according to good old wikipedia.

To me, sibling rivalry is more like a term that others use when they see me and my younger sister. But when you actually look more into it, it's not rivalry at all. Rivalry is when both parties are really fighting over something. Ours is different. We fight. Yes, that's true. But it always boils down to what my mom wants and in the end, I'm always at the losing end.

People, please tell me the answer to this question:

Is it true that thesis and OJT are not problems?

I totally disagree with this. To older people who have already graduated, thesis and on the job training might just be a part of what they experienced when they were studying. But for people like me, who's still experiencing it, it's a problem that I have to face. It's a battle that I have to win.

Why mention this you ask?

Yesterday, I was doing some good old rereading from our paper when my mom suddenly buzzed me in my YM. My mom, dad and youngest sister are in Saudi Arabia by the way. I told her my sister went out again and hasn't gone back even though she was already past her curfew. She told me to call my sister and I said that I already texted her. In the end, the conversation ended up about my sister and how I should just 'give in' since I'm the eldest. I do wonder why I try so hard to impress my parents when nothing really works anyway.

I was just so fed up that I ended up saying stuff to my mom. I told her that if we were just going to talk about my sister then we might as well end the conversation there. Because whether we prove that I'm wrong or that my sister is wrong, it always ends up with stuff along the line of 'forgive her' or 'she's still a kid' or 'you have to understand coz you're older than her.'

I guess people are wondering why I'm posting this to a site where my name is practically seen by everyone. And plus the fact that I've posted my DA site in most networks that I'm in . I don't really care if my mom or my dad sees this anymore. At least they'd know that right now, they have a really miserable daughter who doesn't understand life anymore. BTW, I've already decided about what I'm going to do with my life.

After graduating, I'm going to leave. Wherever I go doesn't matter. I'll work my butt off if I have to. I just want to get away from a battle that I know will never win. As the journal title implies, I'm fighting a losing battle. I'm always at the losing end. Sometimes I can't say I'm happy with getting whatever I want. Material stuff and all, who cares about them now. It sounds pretty emo but sometimes I just want to slash up that wrist of mine an die. Morbid. Yes. That's true. But can you blame me?

There was something I told my friends earlier today. That if I were given a magic pen or notebook that I could use to write my life with, I'd write the happiest story I can think of. It's too much to ask right? But hey, why hold yourself back when you know it's never going to happen right?

I know I sound dramatic.

I know I sound stupid.

But right now, in this battle that I'm facing I would rather die than drop my sword to the ground and admit defeat. I'm fighting a losing battle, I know that. But it doesn't mean my enemy will succeed.

An Unusual Dream

My dad used to tell me that I probably inherited something very special from my mom. I don't really know if it's a power but I still think it's something very special. Whenever my mom would dream about something, especially something related to our church, it would always come true. I know,weird right? But I believe in my mom's gift and somehow I wish that I also have this gift.

Now, why do I suddenly mention something like this? Well it's related to what my dream was this morning. Call it selfish or whatever but for once I just want to have a dream of mine come true.

So here's how my dream went:


In my dream, me and my best friend Hazel were already working as teachers in a certain school. I can't remember which school in particular but the only thing that's clear is that teachers in that school wear a cute baby pink top and black pants/trousers. I don't really understand how but the scene suddenly shifted to Tagaytay picnic grove. *He* was there along with my friend's *special someone* and so there were two couples on a date

My friend and her *special someone* went somewhere else, leaving only me and *him* alone. We were chatting about random things at first. And suddenly I asked him: (this is in Tagalog so sorry if you can't really understand it that much)

"Sigurado ka bang ok lang sa'yo?"

He smiled and answered: "Oo sabi, ano ka ba? Ano ba kasing iniisip mo?"

"Wala lang, kasi parang ang buhay ko constructed ni God para sa singlehood," I just told him.

Again, it shifted into a different scene. It stopped at a scene that looked like it was already nearing sunset. I think I told him I was thirsty so he told me that he was going to buy us some drinks from somewhere. I told him that I would wait for him there.

I waited...

And waited...

Then it started to rain so I looked for a tree or somewhere nearby that I could take shelter on.

But still I waited...

And waited...

Until Mr. Sun left the sky, and Mr. moon started to wake up for the night...

And he still didn't come back..



It was already dark so I called Hazel up and told her that *He* didn't come back for me and that I was all alone. I heard her talk to her *someone* saying:

"Huy, yang kaibigan mo pinaiyak na naman ang kaibigan ko,"



Then the scene shifted again. This time we were back at the school where we were working. It was already dismissal time and Hazel was about to go home. Her *someone* came to fetch her. She asked me if I wanted to come with them but I refused, I told her I still had lesson plans to finish. When she left I finished my lesson plan and then I began fixing the classroom. I fixed the bulletin boards and all the other stuff there. I was so tired.

Then another scene shift. I walking towards the "jeepney stop" in a place i was quite familiar with,even when awake. Suddenly there was creepy crook who wanted to take my stuff. Then *He* came along. He really couldn't do much to protect me though He's so thin Luckily there were some roaming barangay tanods who came along and helped us.

I didn't tell my friends this last part

After the crook and the good old tanods left, he embraced me. I remember feeling scared and he hugged me sooooooooooo tight~!

Then I woke up.. sana man lang itinuloy





I pray that I have the same special gift as my mom. I'd love to share that gift. Even for a day, I wouldn't miss it for the world, just to have him with me

update on my life

Yey! just a bit more and I'll finally be back in the cosplaying world once again. It'll take a long time before I get back to cosplaying since I'm already in my senior year so I will totally enjoy this event...Well,I'll be getting my costume this Sunday and my boots either by Sunday or Monday.

BTW, to those who know that I'll be coming to the event, there's a slight change of plans. We've yet to talk about it but we might go during the first day of the event. My parents are coming home from Saudi Arabia on Saturday (april4th) so I won't be able to enjoy as much if I go during that day. In any case, I will still go! hehehe...

I'm excited and I'm feeling a little odd right now. As in right now. My arms still hurt from swimming too much but luckily my shoulders are a little better now. At least I wasn't bruised in any way possible.

total knock offs~!!

woohooo~!

so happy about what happened earlier so I am so going to blab about it...I went to the shop where i needed to have my boots made but then they said the person who made the measurements just fell asleep. I couldn't help but feel really pissed, it wasn't my fault that the idiot fell asleep. SO...i looked for another shop who made boots..and I found a little shop at the old marketplace. They made boots for 750 pesos only and they only take 3 days to make it~! They don't have that much customers that's why they have a lot of time to make it~! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEH~!

i'll be getting my boots on wednesday. i am soooo happy...

Finally done~!

BANZAI~!

I'm finally finished with all my requirements for my final examinations. To let you all know what I had to do for this final term here is a list of what we did:

1. Classroom management- Exam

2. Current Trends II- reporting

3. Field Study IV- Demo teaching

4.Home-School relationship- Take home exam

5. Developmental Reading I- Drama presentation

6. Guidance and Counseling for Pre-school- Take home exam

7. Scientific Paper Writing- Mini- Thesis

8. Organization and Management of Child Development Programs- Curriculum and defense

9. Assessment of Student Learning II- Exempted

***

SEE? There was a lot in store for us in just one week. I just hope that I have enough grades so that I could be a Dean's lister this semester. I'm not up for the possible awards that I could get. I just want to get a discount in my tuition fee. haha..kidding...LOLZ....XD

Now that I've finished with all my requirements, I can worry about the Ozine fest now. I'm going to check on my costume tomorrow or on Sunday. Also, as another treat for myself, I'm going to have my boots made~! It'll cost 1500 but still I want it~! I won't be having a wig so I'll just have to make sure that the cotume is fine. GOOD LUCK TO ME! I'm having my boots made tomorrow. I'll pay half the price first tomorrow and then I'll try to go to the seamstress to check my costume.HAHAHA,,,

Also, my friends and I will be having our swimming party on the 24th. I don't think it'll be as happy as the last one. There are already a bit of conflicts I just don't understand why that happened though. Well, I still say go for the swimming since I need to really relax...lolz...hayzzzzzzzz...

Oh, and btw....

I'll be making my tophat soon! I have a rough Idea on what i should do so, I'll just have to try my best. Ganbatte~!

Also, the day of the ozine fest is also the day that my parents arrive. At 5pm we will be living the event site, catch a cab and go to Magallanes and wait for them there..haha...miss them already.. I want to see my sisters!

That's all for now i guess...I'll either blog or photoblog about the upcoming events soon. Ciao~!