Fighting a losing battle

I used to see the life of a human being as a really long battle. In reality, it does seem that way. You have to fight your way to get first line in the public toilets. You need to wake up early and show more effort in school and in class. You need to impress your boss to get a higher salary or to get a promotion. But the most fruitful and painful battle is with your own family.

Sibling rivalry is a type of competition or animosity among brothers and sisters, blood-related or not. That's according to good old wikipedia.

To me, sibling rivalry is more like a term that others use when they see me and my younger sister. But when you actually look more into it, it's not rivalry at all. Rivalry is when both parties are really fighting over something. Ours is different. We fight. Yes, that's true. But it always boils down to what my mom wants and in the end, I'm always at the losing end.

People, please tell me the answer to this question:

Is it true that thesis and OJT are not problems?

I totally disagree with this. To older people who have already graduated, thesis and on the job training might just be a part of what they experienced when they were studying. But for people like me, who's still experiencing it, it's a problem that I have to face. It's a battle that I have to win.

Why mention this you ask?

Yesterday, I was doing some good old rereading from our paper when my mom suddenly buzzed me in my YM. My mom, dad and youngest sister are in Saudi Arabia by the way. I told her my sister went out again and hasn't gone back even though she was already past her curfew. She told me to call my sister and I said that I already texted her. In the end, the conversation ended up about my sister and how I should just 'give in' since I'm the eldest. I do wonder why I try so hard to impress my parents when nothing really works anyway.

I was just so fed up that I ended up saying stuff to my mom. I told her that if we were just going to talk about my sister then we might as well end the conversation there. Because whether we prove that I'm wrong or that my sister is wrong, it always ends up with stuff along the line of 'forgive her' or 'she's still a kid' or 'you have to understand coz you're older than her.'

I guess people are wondering why I'm posting this to a site where my name is practically seen by everyone. And plus the fact that I've posted my DA site in most networks that I'm in . I don't really care if my mom or my dad sees this anymore. At least they'd know that right now, they have a really miserable daughter who doesn't understand life anymore. BTW, I've already decided about what I'm going to do with my life.

After graduating, I'm going to leave. Wherever I go doesn't matter. I'll work my butt off if I have to. I just want to get away from a battle that I know will never win. As the journal title implies, I'm fighting a losing battle. I'm always at the losing end. Sometimes I can't say I'm happy with getting whatever I want. Material stuff and all, who cares about them now. It sounds pretty emo but sometimes I just want to slash up that wrist of mine an die. Morbid. Yes. That's true. But can you blame me?

There was something I told my friends earlier today. That if I were given a magic pen or notebook that I could use to write my life with, I'd write the happiest story I can think of. It's too much to ask right? But hey, why hold yourself back when you know it's never going to happen right?

I know I sound dramatic.

I know I sound stupid.

But right now, in this battle that I'm facing I would rather die than drop my sword to the ground and admit defeat. I'm fighting a losing battle, I know that. But it doesn't mean my enemy will succeed.