broken hearts

being broken hearted can lead one person to be different in many ways. For someone like moi, i tend to be a little artsy. One moment you see me writing a story like a lunatic and another, you see me drawing hell as if i've been there. Weird, i know. But to some, that's still considered mild. I'm not the type who drinks alcohol so much just to forget problems. I try to hurt myself sometimes but not to the point of bleeding. I don't get the point in doing it anyway.
Why am i like that?
One reason...
Drinking til you throw up or cutting yourself won't bring him/her back. Maybe that person will come back but not out of love for you but for pity. This is the hard truth. So why waste your precious time? God has plans for you, and He planned the best future for you. The only thing you have to do is stand up, move on and find the right person. Just make the best out of life while looking for him or her. It won't always be easy, but who cares? The more trials you experience, the more you learn to be strong.
As for me.,i'm already looking for *him* I've already started my journey. :-)

Final Demo, Proposal Defense, and a Stormy Day

Okay, so the past weeks hasn't really been friendly to me at all. I admit that I almost gave up in the midst of it but then again, if I did, I wouldn't be able to graduate. It's a dream of mine to wear that beautiful black toga and that blue Arts and Sciences sash. I want to walk down towards my future together with my friends and family. But if I fail to finish those exhausting requirements, that dream would take another year before it came true.

So here were the things I had to tackle for my graduation:
Final Demonstration (for practice teaching)
Materials for my final demo
Proposal defense (for thesis)
Powerpoint presentation for my proposal defense
Prepare final proposal paper for defense


FINAL DEMONSTRATION

I was having problems with my practice teaching from the start. My cooperating teacher (CT) wasn't so nice and the environment wasn't so friendly as well. I couldn't help but think that my CT is doing it on purpose to make me even more tired. She and the principal couldn't even understand that aside from practice teaching, I still have other subjects like Research (a.k.a. Thesis), Trends and Issues in Preschool, Economics, and Teaching Profession. It's really hard for me to focus on just one thing. I have to balance everything out.

Fortunately, I got to finish everything but only after going through a lot of difficulties. Last last week we had a demo dry run, and I wasn't exactly feeling my best at that time. I was really tired. So I failed. I wanted to cry but I couldn't let them see me so I went to school and when I met my best friend I started crying . But I resolved that when Tuesday came.I prepared again and I redrew all the materials. I'll post the pictures tonight if I feel like it . And last Friday, September 25, I finally got to finish my Final Demo~!! A big thanks to a lot of people who prayed for me~!

Mom & Dad
Hazel (bff)
Sai (bff)
4EDUC people (coursemates/batchmates)
Education lower years
Mami Ocenar

I'm so happy right now

PROPOSAL DEFENSE

Okay, Saturday was the most memorable day for me, my groupmates and my friends. We finally got to experience the proposal defense. It was good I suppose. We didn't have much trouble, and I can confidently say that our paper is approved. Probably with minor revisions, but still, it is approved. I'm too confident, I know. but if I'm not confident, then what would happen to our paper right?

However, on a much scarier note, Saturday was also a terrible day. After the proposal defense, we were originally planning to go to Waltermart to celebrate we wanted to go and enjoy some karaoke, but we couldn't. The rain was pouring so hard and the water was starting to rise. When we left the Delas Casas building, our school's main building, we quickly walked through the path walk. The water was already up past my foot, of course, that was still not too high. However, the moment we left the campus, we faced a much a higher flood. I was worried, not only because of my car or because my laptop was with me, but because during that Saturday, my sister came with me to school for her NSTP class. I wasn't sure if she already got home or if she was still in school. Unfortunately my phone was still loadless so I couldn't call her or text her. When we got near one of the canteens outside the campus I saw her and her *friend*. I asked my friend Gary to fetch her and we stayed in an empty canteen where there were tables that they could sit on. I sacrificed by standing on foot, while my legs were submerged in knee-deep water. Even though it didn't show, I was really scared. Then the water started to rise a bit more, until it reached near my thighs. I was scared, for myself, for sister, and for my friends. I knew everyone was tired. We've yet to eat lunch that time and I couldn't feel any hunger coming to me anymore. Another bad news came to use at around 2:47 pm. According to a friend of ours the dam in Real was going to open at 3pm. By then, I know that the water will rise, not only waist high, but neck high. I was scared. Right then and there, we were determined to pass the water and leave. And so, we recalled what the people did in people power and walked hand in hand until we got to pass. I was worried for my sister, she was so thin that she was almost taken away by the water. Thank God there was a kind man who carried her and helped her pass. Thank you manong~!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And we finally survived. Kuya Marvin came and fetched us. And I can finally say, that we're saved! I wasn't feeling so well though, but I was happy that I got come. I'd prefer getting stuck at home than getting stranded somewhere else while submerged in water. I seriously thought I was going to die with hypothermia. Luckily, I'm still here.

Everyone, let's help our fellow kababayans. Many have lost their homes and belongings. Many are still stranded somewhere. And many have already died. Let's pray that as one nation, we survive this disastrous calamity.

The Weirdest Idea Ever

I'm beginning to think that I'm really insane and that I've just escaped from a mental facility from somewhere. If not, then I will most probably be in one in the next coming years. I kid. I kid.

Well, I admit to the weirdness that I have within myself. I express it through my art, my studies, my music and in my words. It's not that this eccentricity is something I just want to show, rather, I want to embrace it and learn how to handle it. After all, I'm a work in progress.

Anyway, why have I given this journal entry the title *The Weirdest Idea Ever*? Well, it's because I've come up with the weirdest idea to help me move on with this man that I always mention in my journal entries as 'Him'. I can't believe that after four years of having these unanswered feeling for him, it's only now that I do something about my life. I mean, I can't spend the rest of my life wondering why he can't me right? SO~!!!!!!!!!!!! I made a plan for myself

I am so proud of myself~! I will give mah self a haha~!

Anyway, here is the idea. I know it's . I know because my best friend already told me that. One of my professors still thinks that there is still a possibility for the two of us but I've made a decision.

I will put his photo as my wallpaper in my cellie for the rest of the month. Afterwards, I will delete it and speak nothing of it again. Unless I've proven that there is no longer I will not look at him again. BUT~!!!!!!!!!!!! IF...and only IF he is the one to look for me first, I will think about it and see if I will make an exception... It's stupid I know. The whole world is practically screaming to right now. haha.

Well, I must do my best and give my time to what I love most, studying. SO~!!!!! I won't think much of him~!

PRAY FOR ME PEOPLE~!!!!!!!!

Falling Tears

The last time I cried so hard was the time when I found out that the person looking for me wasn't really 'him' but someone else that I used to know. During that time, my tears just seemed to fall endlessly and I couldn't control them. The more I thought of stopping my tears the more they fell. What is up with that?

This time, my tears fell because of something else. It's because of my practice teaching. Originally, my final demo was scheduled at September 18 at 8am in the morning. Then, it was moved to a much later date of September 22, with the same time. But after that stupid dry-run thingy earlier, my final demo was moved again. I don't understand this anymore. I don't want to be here anymore.

I don't know if this day should be happy or depressing. Happy, probably because I saw my crush for three times. Unfortunately, when I saw him, I was crying really badly. Every moment that I saw him, I would start crying again. He was making fun of me because of it. I don't know if I should be happy that at least he was making an effort to make me laugh or if I should think of him as an idiot. Anyhow, I'm still pleased that he was a bit concerned about me.

I left the public school at nearly 3pm. When I arrived at my Uni, I started crying in front of my bestie and I really couldn't control it. It was touching that all the people that I knew were concerned. (special thanks to the ff.: kuya from TJs, ate from Big Mamu's, Kuya Guard, Sir JJ~!, Mammi Rose O) At least I felt that I was loved. I broke down, because of all that happened in my dry-run demonstration. Gosh, I hate life right now.

Fighting a losing battle

I used to see the life of a human being as a really long battle. In reality, it does seem that way. You have to fight your way to get first line in the public toilets. You need to wake up early and show more effort in school and in class. You need to impress your boss to get a higher salary or to get a promotion. But the most fruitful and painful battle is with your own family.

Sibling rivalry is a type of competition or animosity among brothers and sisters, blood-related or not. That's according to good old wikipedia.

To me, sibling rivalry is more like a term that others use when they see me and my younger sister. But when you actually look more into it, it's not rivalry at all. Rivalry is when both parties are really fighting over something. Ours is different. We fight. Yes, that's true. But it always boils down to what my mom wants and in the end, I'm always at the losing end.

People, please tell me the answer to this question:

Is it true that thesis and OJT are not problems?

I totally disagree with this. To older people who have already graduated, thesis and on the job training might just be a part of what they experienced when they were studying. But for people like me, who's still experiencing it, it's a problem that I have to face. It's a battle that I have to win.

Why mention this you ask?

Yesterday, I was doing some good old rereading from our paper when my mom suddenly buzzed me in my YM. My mom, dad and youngest sister are in Saudi Arabia by the way. I told her my sister went out again and hasn't gone back even though she was already past her curfew. She told me to call my sister and I said that I already texted her. In the end, the conversation ended up about my sister and how I should just 'give in' since I'm the eldest. I do wonder why I try so hard to impress my parents when nothing really works anyway.

I was just so fed up that I ended up saying stuff to my mom. I told her that if we were just going to talk about my sister then we might as well end the conversation there. Because whether we prove that I'm wrong or that my sister is wrong, it always ends up with stuff along the line of 'forgive her' or 'she's still a kid' or 'you have to understand coz you're older than her.'

I guess people are wondering why I'm posting this to a site where my name is practically seen by everyone. And plus the fact that I've posted my DA site in most networks that I'm in . I don't really care if my mom or my dad sees this anymore. At least they'd know that right now, they have a really miserable daughter who doesn't understand life anymore. BTW, I've already decided about what I'm going to do with my life.

After graduating, I'm going to leave. Wherever I go doesn't matter. I'll work my butt off if I have to. I just want to get away from a battle that I know will never win. As the journal title implies, I'm fighting a losing battle. I'm always at the losing end. Sometimes I can't say I'm happy with getting whatever I want. Material stuff and all, who cares about them now. It sounds pretty emo but sometimes I just want to slash up that wrist of mine an die. Morbid. Yes. That's true. But can you blame me?

There was something I told my friends earlier today. That if I were given a magic pen or notebook that I could use to write my life with, I'd write the happiest story I can think of. It's too much to ask right? But hey, why hold yourself back when you know it's never going to happen right?

I know I sound dramatic.

I know I sound stupid.

But right now, in this battle that I'm facing I would rather die than drop my sword to the ground and admit defeat. I'm fighting a losing battle, I know that. But it doesn't mean my enemy will succeed.

An Unusual Dream

My dad used to tell me that I probably inherited something very special from my mom. I don't really know if it's a power but I still think it's something very special. Whenever my mom would dream about something, especially something related to our church, it would always come true. I know,weird right? But I believe in my mom's gift and somehow I wish that I also have this gift.

Now, why do I suddenly mention something like this? Well it's related to what my dream was this morning. Call it selfish or whatever but for once I just want to have a dream of mine come true.

So here's how my dream went:


In my dream, me and my best friend Hazel were already working as teachers in a certain school. I can't remember which school in particular but the only thing that's clear is that teachers in that school wear a cute baby pink top and black pants/trousers. I don't really understand how but the scene suddenly shifted to Tagaytay picnic grove. *He* was there along with my friend's *special someone* and so there were two couples on a date

My friend and her *special someone* went somewhere else, leaving only me and *him* alone. We were chatting about random things at first. And suddenly I asked him: (this is in Tagalog so sorry if you can't really understand it that much)

"Sigurado ka bang ok lang sa'yo?"

He smiled and answered: "Oo sabi, ano ka ba? Ano ba kasing iniisip mo?"

"Wala lang, kasi parang ang buhay ko constructed ni God para sa singlehood," I just told him.

Again, it shifted into a different scene. It stopped at a scene that looked like it was already nearing sunset. I think I told him I was thirsty so he told me that he was going to buy us some drinks from somewhere. I told him that I would wait for him there.

I waited...

And waited...

Then it started to rain so I looked for a tree or somewhere nearby that I could take shelter on.

But still I waited...

And waited...

Until Mr. Sun left the sky, and Mr. moon started to wake up for the night...

And he still didn't come back..



It was already dark so I called Hazel up and told her that *He* didn't come back for me and that I was all alone. I heard her talk to her *someone* saying:

"Huy, yang kaibigan mo pinaiyak na naman ang kaibigan ko,"



Then the scene shifted again. This time we were back at the school where we were working. It was already dismissal time and Hazel was about to go home. Her *someone* came to fetch her. She asked me if I wanted to come with them but I refused, I told her I still had lesson plans to finish. When she left I finished my lesson plan and then I began fixing the classroom. I fixed the bulletin boards and all the other stuff there. I was so tired.

Then another scene shift. I walking towards the "jeepney stop" in a place i was quite familiar with,even when awake. Suddenly there was creepy crook who wanted to take my stuff. Then *He* came along. He really couldn't do much to protect me though He's so thin Luckily there were some roaming barangay tanods who came along and helped us.

I didn't tell my friends this last part

After the crook and the good old tanods left, he embraced me. I remember feeling scared and he hugged me sooooooooooo tight~!

Then I woke up.. sana man lang itinuloy





I pray that I have the same special gift as my mom. I'd love to share that gift. Even for a day, I wouldn't miss it for the world, just to have him with me